See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You ruined the universe
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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