During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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