i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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