my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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