Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
you're hired as official boob wrangler
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
