I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
