Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
