i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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