I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
