Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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