fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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