I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
