I'm really into asian looking animals
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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