I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she told me i tasted like america
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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