im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize
