I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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