I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
barbara walters just said penis...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
