I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
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