I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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