I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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