Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
