I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
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