Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
