Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
