dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
how drunk are you?
Several
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
