Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
