Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
