wat bout pragnant strippers??
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
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I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.