so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
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My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
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Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.