Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
