The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
