never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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