I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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