Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
My life is pants optional.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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