OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
