all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
