his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
