our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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