I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
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WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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