god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
