Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
