I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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