When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
