come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
