I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
