I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
