yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
