i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
