Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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