On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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