dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
