in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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