apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
