I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
