Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
