i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
