It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
