It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
