So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
