I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
