I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
