Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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