If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
